Celebrity Verses Poetry: Pharrell’s Stupid Fucking Hat

Le Chapeau Solitaire

By Christina Shideler

Pharrell's stupid hat

O cherubic vampire, NERD, our dearest Pharrell,
thank you for your patriotism,
for supporting the milliners,
for reminding the world
that this is a nation of cartoon cowboys.

But we know your secret,
your hat-hidden video camera,
why not just reveal yourself
as the WFTV Action 9 squad,
right-hand man of Todd Ulrich,
whose consumer reports
get results?

Is the spitting image of Arby’s
unfulfilled?
No one graces the roast beef palaces,
neon signs, unheeded,
special sauces gone to waste.

Perhaps your hat feels inferior,
unable to truly join the canon
of millinery vanguard,
those brave, bold chapeaus
that inspired a generation of memes.

Oh Aretha, oh Princess Beatrix,
one gets respect, the other royalty,
while lonely, Pharrell’s 800 gallon
park-ranger sits in cardboard walls,
awaiting its new home at Arby’s HQ,
fearing its fate in glass cases
a Planet Hollywood of burgerbilia
or stale prison
for le chapeau solitaire.

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