Swimming with Dickshark – A Review
Sometimes when I’m bored, I browse upcoming DVD releases. Often I come across something incredibly strange and debate whether I need to watch it. Typically I move on to the next release. But, now and then, the impulse to buy the DVD is overwhelming and my wallet suffers from the likes of Dickshark
A poorly endowed man uses what he thinks is his roommate’s penis enlargement cream. Spoiler alert—it’s not actually penis enlargement cream. His roommate Dick, the film’s protagonist, was attempting to hide his latest science experiment, figuring no man would be shameless enough to use the contents of the jar. The substance turns the man’s penis claylike and he logically proceeds to sculpt it into the shape of a shark. Sure enough, his dickshark comes to life and bites off his fingers. His girlfriend shoots it off, killing him in the process, and flushes the dickshark in the toilet. It survives, only to begin terrorizing other women. Now Dick must find a way to stop it while also preventing his experimental formula from falling into the wrong hands.
This film is two and a half hours long.
When labia is visible during the opening credits, the tone is set for a special sort of film. Another sign of its specialness? A typo in the opening credits, not capitalizing one actress’s name (apologies to Kathy Rice). Dick, played by the film’s director/writer Bill Zebub, jokes early on that he’s the not the kind a guy who can only get women by hiring them to be in a film. He then proceeds to fondle the breasts of every women he encounters throughout the rest of the film. These acts always have a purpose, as spelled out in lengthy conversations that occur during the fondling. For example, Dick spends five minutes groping a women to get her aroused before she gets into the bathtub to lure the dickshark out of the drain. Don’t expect everything to get spelled out, though. Like why the dickshark—once fully grown—has a fin shaped like a penis that’s capable of ejaculating in addition to its fully functional penis. Sometimes you just have to suspend disbelief.
After a couple of more vaginal close-ups, I got the sense Dickshark wasn’t going to be some fun, trashy body horror film involving freak genitals. Nope, I was watching porn. Not just any porn though. At times I felt like I was watching something from Zebub’s personal collection. Here he shares what turns him on and what gets him off. Other times, like when a woman is raped and killed by giant mutant spider more lifeless and fake than the baby in American Sniper, I don’t know why I’m bothering to think about what I’m watching.
I give Zebub props for hiring women with real bodies and not masking their imperfections—nary a butt shot was devoid of pimples or cellulite—but I can’t turn around and say this film is a champion of the body positive movement. Nor can I, in good faith, recommend that anyone watch this film. Dickshark is like the demented love child of Tinto Brass and Troma for which we never asked. For some actual fun, trashy body horror involving freak genitals, check out Mitchell Lichtenstein’s Teeth or Frank Henenlotter’s Bad Biology. Leave Dickshark to the poor souls who blindly buy a movie based on its ridiculous (or re-dick-ulous, as Zebub emphasizes within the film) title.
P.S., all week I’ve had a modified version the sixties Batman theme in my head: Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Dickshark! No apologies if it’s now stuck in yours.