The Profile

The Profile
Single South Asian male, in thirties, looking for wife

By Mariam Zafar


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The Various Tastes of Desire by SickNasty

Please message me only if you are
between the ages of 18 and 22
and have taken substantial
steps to pursue a career in law or medicine
and can keep up with intellectual conversation
should I choose to take you out with me
on work dinners. Feel free to reach out
if you are beautiful and deemed
desirable by all the men and women
and children and old people around you
and also if you are light-skinned
with and without foundation
(also light on the scale!)
and love to cook biryani
but using only hand-ground spices
(what can I say, love a woman
who knows how to grind ;))
Here is my email:
please contact me
but only if you look smashing in both
saris and sweaters and also have
a magic touch that will roll away
all my headaches and heartaches.
Most importantly please respond
but only if you are well-balanced
and can walk from the door
of the bedroom to the kitchen
with a China teapot on your head
and never get sick if I am sick
or the kids are sick (you must want four)
and can be a Kleenex and a kidney dish
and a model and a baby-whisperer
and a shape-shifter and a dishwasher
and a lover but only if you can
do all the above-mentioned without
any unreasonable expectations.
If yes, I will make you
very happy